The term is CONSENSUAL NONCONSENT.
It has NOTHING to do with rape and y’all need to stop.
Consensual nonconsent is talked about BEFOREHAND.
Basically it’s surprise sex. Literally. Surprise sex.
And both parties are fully aware of it.
please please please please god let this be a joke or a troll because if this person is seriously defending their rape fantasies by defining it as “surprise sex” i am just uggggh
Hi there! I’m markoftheoutsider’s fiance/sub. I want you take a look at the full post, which you so helpfully deleted:
Now, I want you to read this carefully. See how he says kink shaming? That’s exactly what you’re doing. Everyone has their own fantasies and kinks, which they surely don’t appreciate someone trying to cut in and tell them they’re wrong for liking it, especially when they completely understand what it entails.
What my fiance is trying to explain is a very common kink in the BDSM community and something that takes a lot of planning and trust to do. It goes by different names: dubious consent (dubcon), surprise sex, consensual noncon, etc.
Another great fact: quite a lot of members of the BDSM community who are victims of rape, like myself, are fans of dubcon. For me, it’s a way of coping, because I know that, even though I have submitted to my fiance, I can stop it whenever it is too much. My boyfriend would never lay a hand on me if I didn’t want it. Hell, when we started our dom/sub relationship, he was very patient as I learned the ropes (ah yes puns) and explained to me very carefully what he meant by dubcon, although I was on board with it the moment it was suggested.
Also, you forget two of the most important things about BDSM: S.S.C. and aftercare.
The slogan/gold rule of the BDSM community is to stay safe, sane, and consensual. Although there are obviously idiots in the community, most will fight you tooth and nail if you dare to break these rules, especially the last. There’s a reason this community has been around for so long, and it’s because we put this rule at the forefront of it all.
Secondly and just as important, aftercare is when the dom of the situation assures the sub that they are completely safe, that they love and/or respect them, and etc. Some people cuddle, some make a wonderful meal for their sub, whatever.
Unlike 50 Shades of Grey, where you’re obviously getting your opinion from, subs need aftercare to know that nothing that happened during the scene was intentional or real; they are anchored to the real world and to the person they’ve put their trust in.
Obviously, you are not in the BDSM community, otherwise you would have supported my fiance’s rant and not make yourself out to be a total asshat by calling him a troll and trying to delete half his post to make yourself into the better person.
And, if you had actually listened to what he said, you would have actually tried and do some research into the subject. Instead, you decided to jump to conclusions, because you’re obviously so much better than us.
It’s people like you who undo the progress this community has made to keep partners safe; I’ll even bet you didn’t have such a strong opinion on it before you came to tumblr.
So, please, go fuck yourself.
A very loved and very happy sub.
God, you really have no idea who you’re talking to, do you? I made my living off of kink. Men would talk to me just so I’d make them pee their britches and cower in a corner, and they’d liked it. So before you get the idea that you’re talking to some vanilla socks and sandals suburbanite, just stop.
The suggestion that someone must be ignorant about a subject to oppose it is ridiculous and arrogant as shit.
However, there is one thing you’re right about: I am a kink shamer.
And I’m not going to be hush about it, and I’m not going to fuck off. You’re just going to have to deal with it, shitbaby. Deal with it when I say….
* Kink is gross and you should feel bad.
* “Dubious Consent” does not exist in any capacity.
* A person cannot consent to non-consent.
* “Surprise Sex” is rape.
* After-Care is the biggest fucking joke in the world apart from “men’s rights.”
* If you think a healthy sexual relationship involves beating the shit out of your partner; even if it’s ~*~*consensual~*~* then you got srs probs.
So yeah. You really don’t know who you’re talking to. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’ve may have experience with orgasming with a ponytail in your ass and a ring in your mouth, but don’t tell me kink is harmless or that “some” people are the problem. All kinksters are the problem. Come back when you learn critical thinking skills and stop doing victims of sexual violence (including yourself) a disservice with your nasty as fuck bedroom inclinations.
i couldn’t give a fuck if your dd/lg relationship was blessed by the fucking queen, it’s still glorifying pedophilia, incest, rape and abuse; and sexualising small children who COULDN’T consent. well done you fucking failures
Tip: the reason I post/reblog in support of victims of bdsm is because the kink community doesn’t support or take care of them. They sweep them under the rug, dismiss their “bad experience”, proclaim that their relationship isn’t like that (and go into graphic detail, not caring if they trigger people).
I can’t stop you from participating in it. I’m not under the delusion that being critical of kink is going to stop each and every person that chooses to partake in it. But I’m not going to stop posting about it, I’m not going to turn my brain off and dismiss the racism, misogyny, pedophilia, and abuse that happens there. I know you’d love me to, I know it would keep your delusion intact, but I’m not doing it.
Victims and their voices matter much more to me than your orgasms and I’ll never ever be sorry for that.
Let me start off with this: I like Elsa. As much as I criticize this movie, she is hands-down awesome, despite the shade that I am about to throw regarding certain flaws. Not her flaws, no. Flaws in the writing itself. I am not attacking Elsa in this post. I am criticizing those who wrote the script for Frozen and anyone involved in writing Elsa and her character development.
I can agree with people who find “Let It Go” empowering, when it’s completely removed from the context of the movie. If you completely sever all the song’s connections to depression, anxiety, and Elsa’s character development, sure, the song can certainly be empowering. But what you’re referring to, anon, is the song’s meaning and moral message within the context of Elsa’s character, which, yes, is in mine and many other’s opinions not empowering in the slightest. If anything, we think some of the lyrics are promoting something harmful to people who suffer from depression and anxiety like Elsa: “You can suddenly overcome more than a decade’s worth of depression, anxiety, and self-loathing with a happy song. Run away from your responsibilities, they don’t matter anymore. Make yourself believe that no one else matters. Only you matter. Leave your family and home behind and never take responsibility for your actions. Isolate yourself.”
The thing is, and this is important: a song like this isn’t inherently bad. I repeat, A SONG LIKE THIS ISN’T INHERENTLY BAD! The problem only arises when there is no follow-up to the song’s message, not in the form of a reprise or even direct words from Elsa, anything to tell us that within the context of the movie, “Let It Go” was more of a Denial Ballad than a Power Ballad. (Evidence of it being a denial ballad, for those wondering, is that Elsa immediately reverts back to her earlier anxious, fearful, insecure behaviors in following scenes). This pretty clearly shows us that the song, in the context of Elsa’s character development, was just her being in denial of reality—which is actually a great thing! Because it makes sense. This is Elsa in the aftershock of a life-shattering event. Denial and a forced attitude of “I will be fine, actually I’m even better off!” is a completely believable reaction.
However, after Anna’s “death”, obviously Elsa no longer completely stands behind everything she believed in “Let It Go”. After that pivotal scene when Anna melts, where she understands how much Anna truly loves her, Elsa finally realizes that she can’t overcome all of her problems by denying them, or dismiss them with faux empowerment; that she isn’t better off alone, that she shouldn’t just run away from her life or “let it go”. That the cold does bother her anyway—metaphorically speaking, of course, since physically Elsa is immune to freezing temperatures.
And this is where we hit a snag, something that is one of my biggest beefs with the entire movie, and the reason I rail against Disney for their claim of depicting mental illness with Elsa, and also for blatantly neglecting something SO important in her character development.
The bolded above is never, ever addressed. There is no reprise for “Let It Go” to encapsulate the major change in Elsa’s character at the end of the movie—she is just suddenly confident instead of fearful, secure instead of insecure, happy and outgoing instead of depressed and alienating, and we as the viewers are just supposed to accept this without proper explanation or closure. In storytelling, this is completely unacceptable. There is even a trope named for it. Epiphany Therapy.
Elsa gets a single line about her changed feelings: “Love will thaw a frozen heart.” Not only does this extremely vague one-liner revelation fail to address Elsa’s plethora of development, or justify her drastic change in character in the last 5 minutes of the movie, it is also an extremely disgusting message to send to the audience. Because, don’t forget, there are two sides to Elsa and her powers: the literal and the representational.
In the literal, “Love will thaw” makes sense, because all it means is that 1) Elsa realizes that her love is what can melt the ice and end the eternal winter, allowing her to gain control over her powers, and 2) love is what literally defrosts Anna.
It’s the representational side, the side which the director of Frozen has outright said is canon, that makes “Love will thaw a frozen heart” a very, very disturbing message as Elsa’s last and only words regarding her sudden change in character.
Elsa has depression and anxiety, and her powers also represent those as well, though metaphorically. Thus, the implication of “Love will thaw a frozen heart” as a final explanation for her change in character implies that love, particularly “true” love, can instantly cure a decade’s worth of depression, anxiety, self-loathing, and alienation.
Now, I’m not going to criticize this without also providing possible solutions. Before you comment, read these, and then decide whether or not you think my criticism here is important or unimportant.
Solution #1: A reprise to “Let It Go”, where Elsa realizes that she was denying reality, that family and friendship and love and connections are important, that isolation and running away from problems are harmful behaviors, and most importantly, that the battle isn’t over. She is still going to have to work hard to overcome over a decade’s worth of depression and anxiety and isolation. With Anna’s love, she now has support, which will certainly help, but Elsa acknowledges that overcoming depression and anxiety is ultimately her own battle. What would make this reprise even better is if Anna joins in and it becomes a duet (something the movie sorely lacked for these sisters), and Anna sings something to the effect of “I’ll be there to support you always, you don’t have to fight alone.” Talk about an empowering song. Not only would it properly convey to an audience how to treat those with mental illnesses (“love” is just a single part of a solution to a very, very complex and misunderstood problem), but it would also send the message to children, young adults, and even adults with depression that they shouldn’t run away, avoid their responsibilities, abandon loved ones, or in essence let their illnesses run and ultimately ruin their lives and relationships. That instead, they should fight like hell. They should involve their family members and seek support (such as therapy!) instead of shouldering everything themselves.
Solution #2: Elsa simply talks about these things (preferably face to face with Anna) instead of singing them. It still sends the same messages as above, although a reprise would be the more powerful option.
There are probably more solutions, but I feel like this rant has gone on long enough.
I am well aware that I have tagged this post in the regular #frozen tag. Normally I keep my criticism out of that tag, because I respect that you guys don’t want to see “hate” of your movie in a place that should be safe for you to praise it. But as someone who has struggled all my life with clinical depression, anxiety disorders, and suffered for it, this issue is important to me and I really do want to hear the opinions not just of Frozen “haters”, but also Frozen fans. Do you think that Elsa was developed enough? Do you think that she properly represented depression and anxiety like the director of the movie intended?
If you are someone who really related to Elsa, that’s great and I support you. But I would like to know from you: don’t you think it had the potential to be so much more? That it didn’t go a far as it should have? Couldn’t this have been a great way to fight the stigma surrounding mental illnesses like depression and anxiety? Don’t forget that there are children who also suffer from depression and anxiety. Wouldn’t a more well-developed depiction of these illnesses in Frozen have helped? It certainly wouldn’t have hurt, right?
I am not out to attack anyone who disagrees with me on this. I respect Frozen fans…the ones who don’t send anon hate or reply in rage to even tiny criticisms, anyway. There’s always a few bad apples in every fandom, just like there are in the anti-Frozen fandom.
I will say this right now: I will not reply to any comments that are completely out of line, such as attacking me as a person rather than my argument.
I know this is a touchy subject and tensions are not so great between the Frozen fandom and the anti-Frozen fandom, but I hope that we can keep these discussions respectful and understanding. The last thing I want is for people on any side to start sending/receiving hate. We have enough of that already.
Thanks for reading, everyone. I’ll get to each and every comment.
Fifty Shades of Domestic Abuse
50 Shades of Damaging Stereotypes
Fifty Shades of Wanna Guess How Many People Will Be Hospitalized Due To Flesh Wounds From Improper Knots After The Movie?
50 Shades of Glorified Abuse
50 Shades of Kidney Damage from Incompetent Crop Use
Fifty Shades of Pathological Violence Due To Past Trauma Isn’t Kink
friendly reminder that
- your orgasm isn’t more important than women’s safety
- your kinks aren’t above criticism
- sexual proclivities don’t exist in a vacuum away from social influence
- if you think otherwise you’re probably a misogynist
Here’s something for kinksters to think about: What’s so empowering about a sub ~really being the one in control~ because they can safeword out? Saying no and stopping sex at any point is everyone’s inherent right. If you’re saying it’s kink or submission that gives you that power, you’re saying it’s a privilege reserved for kinksters instead of a basic human right.